Most Likely to....

by Matt Rooney and Sam Thayer

Most likely to get in a fight during a game

3. Josh Cooke

While Cooke may be a surprise at the number 3 spot, he has been known to make enemies in the offseason. Cian McCormack, a critic of rook Cooke, stated that Josh “tries to get into fights to seem big to Matt.” If any YMCA camp people show up to watch a game this summer, don’t be surprised if Cooke starts to push and shove.

2. Will Brown

Will comes in at the number two spot because of his history with several players in the league, most notably the Levi brothers (and sisters). Will is not afraid to escalate situations to a physical level, but he usually is able to calm down fairly quickly after he gets in a fight. His girlfriend, Jessy, will have the task of making sure Will doesn’t return home with any black eyes this season.

1. Nov Levi

It is no surprise that Nov tops the list of players that are most likely to get in a fight. Nov has gotten in several altercations throughout the years, even being kicked out of Matt’s backyard after his fight with Will Brown. Nov is one of the most easily rattled players in the league, which sometimes leads to him throwing the ball at other players’ heads. Newcomer Paul Rodriguez said, “Nov is a scary person to be around tbh. He can explode at any minute if his stocks aren’t performing well.”

Most likely to cry during a game

3. David Hamel-Sellman

If it’s happened before, you can’t tell me it won’t happen again. Back in 2016 when Idi and David got into it late at night at 82 Fair Oaks, David cried. Just a few tears, but it happened. After a few years off, Idi is back in the league this year on what looks to be the Monarchs biggest threat - the Bears. Are the stars aligning? Anyways, Chris Ng believes David is a changed man saying, “that stuff, it’s in the past. It was 2016. No way it happens now.” Chris has never slandered anyone before (except maybe Hano), so who knows if he truly believes it. I guess only time will tell.

2. Eli AC

Eli is a great man. He’s real. He’s emotional. This summer, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if Eli cries a bit on the court. It could be from laughing, getting hit in the glasses, or because the nostalgia is just too strong. Imagine a do-or-die game in the finals, Eli vs Lucas or Nathan or Will T. Kenny Brown and his band U3 (@u3theog on IG) singing the national anthem. Brian Rooney announcing the starting lineups. 40+ fans in the crowd, all on their feet. You can’t tell me as Eli goes to give Lucas (or Nate or Will) a pregame hug that he won’t shed a tear. You just can’t.

1. Kenny Brown

If Kenny wins the NSL championship this year, I would bet my life savings that he sheds a tear as the final seconds tick off the clock. If he doesn’t, there’s still a really good chance the waterworks come for the 24-year old. Yagev, Hano and Cian all believe they can bring Kenny to tears if it comes to that. Hano even went on to say, “Kenny man, we used to play super smash bros and take late night walks. He was like a brother to me. Stuff happened, and now our magic is gone. If I have to make a grown man cry on the court, I will. I don’t care anymore.” However, I doubt Cian makes Kenny do anything this year. Just like he is with the ladies, Kiwi talks a big game through his phone. But, when it's face to face and in person, he goes dead silent.

Most likely to quit on their team

3. Matteo Greenberg

Matteo is a determined businessman, and frankly NSL is not on his priority list. His girlfriend, his tik tok account, and his hair care routine all take priority over NSL, which will lead to many NSL absences. If it gets to be too much on his plate, we could see Matteo join Arik and Zach in sunny Los Angeles this summer.

2. Nathan Greenstein

Nate has had a few temper tantrums in the past, which could be a precursor for this season. Whether he is mad at a teammate, mad at the ref, or mad at Yagev, Nathan is more than willing to walk off the court to simmer down his anger. Retired NSL player Erik Brown stated that Nathan is already planning “a LONG getaway” to Burlington if he starts to get screwed over by his team.

1. John Ross

Despite being invited to the league as a newcomer last year, John Ross had the audacity to refuse to get subbed out of a game for NSL legend, Nathan Greenstein. Anyone with that much arrogance should be watched closely by captains. It would not surprise me if John sits out a few games to force a trade to a different team due to lack of minutes. Fellow Horace Mann grad Kenny Brown said “John has been experiencing some preworkout-induced rage recently, so I hope he chills out before the season.”

Most likely to get exposed for fake NSL account (besides Kenny)

3. Diego Zuniga

Diego is brave enough to play against people who are older and bigger than him. However, he is scared to talk in the group chat so he hides behind a Twitter account. I have heard reports that him and Tom share a Twitter account, but that is unconfirmed. Captain Aidan Nugent says “Diggy is a rat for hiding behind a Twitter account, and he will be exposed in the future.”

2. Cian McCormack

If you have to name someone who is scared of talking trash directly to someone, Cian’s name comes to mind. Cian will talk shit in several group chats, and on Twitter, but never in person. He is not afraid to put his name behind his thoughts on his NSL Kiwi Twitter, but it would not shock me if Cian makes more accounts to go after his favorite targets, Josh Cooke and Kenny Brown.

1. Eric Zhang

Big man EZ has operated several NSL burner accounts in the past, but has never owned up to it. Despite being presented with numerous articles of evidence, Zhang continues to proclaim his innocence. Instead of chirping people on the court, Eric prefers to use his pregame time to get in the heads of his opponents. If you happen to catch a stray hook on twitter, it is most likely from an account that is owned, or financed, by Eric Zhang. NSL fan Tali Shoham even said “Eric has made fake accounts to slide in on my roommates, so this is no surprise.”

Most likely to get embarrassed by girls showing up

3. Henri Rousseau

NSL superfan Matt Swain is going to cheer on Henri at his games this summer, but with him comes a crew of Chikami ladies that Henri has history with. How will Henri respond? The league has their doubts on whether Henri can perform in front of some of his lifelong crushes. However, his captain Sam trusts that Henri can channel this energy into some wins for the Roses. We got an exclusive quote from Chikami legend Brian Mozel, who said “Henri may have gotten caught taking a peek at mud city as a boxwood, but he is much more mature now.”

2. Kenny Brown

After the KB cookout situation last summer, it is safe to say that Kenny will be keeping a close eye on the guest list for his games. Kenny has gotten rattled by some fans (who we will refrain from naming) in the past, however sometimes he is able to use these fans to rattle Hano. This year will be a make or break year for Kenny, and the added pressure of fans could be too much for him to carry.

1. David Speidel

It’s been two years since David spoke to a girl who isn’t related to NSL fan Manny Kharasch. For all we know David might not get rattled at all by NSL fans, but his first few games will be riddled with mental mistakes as he gets adjusted to being around girls for the first time in years. David HS said that he is “concerned with Speidel’s ability to play around girls, instead of playing around middle aged men at the YMCA.” We wish David the best of luck this year.

Most likely to not listen to captain

3. Nathan Greenstein

Max views Lucas Nathanson as the best player in the league. He sees Hano as the point guard who is going to run the show. He’s been best friends with Will Brown since kindergarten. So, where does that leave Nathan? On the bench? Relegated to the corner when he does get in the game? I wouldn’t be surprised if Nathan starts throwing tantrums, flinging chairs and chucking basketball’s in an attempt to make a point to his captain. If Max doesn’t respond well to that, I have no doubt that Nathan will tune Max out. Yagev went on to say, “Yeah, I mean it must be tough for Nathan. He was a top option on NSL teams for the last 5 years. To go from that to a 3rd, probably 4th option this year has to be a challenge for sure.”

2. Will Thompson

Will Thompson has a reputation for being a hot head at times on the court, and you are delusional if you think scrawny egghead Whalen has any chance of controlling him. He is ultra competitive, and if something sets him off - perhaps Yagev’s constant pestering from the bench, all bets are off as to what may happen. If the Monarchs are losing and DHS is cold, Mr. Thompson will try to take over, no matter what Jack says. Kenny Brown has constantly wondered about Jack’s leadership saying, “I am shocked Jack picked Will T, David AND Charlie. Those are three guys with massive egos who do what they want when they want to. There is no chance that Jack can keep them - especially Will - in check when the going gets tough.”

1. John Ross

The John Ross/Nathan incident has been referenced many times now, so that is definitely a factor on his placement here. However, there is another piece of evidence that many of you probably don’t know, a story that takes place back in 2013. Zach Goldman was in Michela Pini’s 8th grade English class at Day Middle School. Zach was a shy kid but was generally regarded as a good guy back then - which is what makes what I am about to say next so shocking. Every day, in that little English class on the 2nd floor of Day Middle School, Zach would be rude to Michela for legitimately no reason. Most people didn’t know about this until Emma Ross - one of Michela’s best friends - told John about this a few years back. John obviously doesn’t tolerate this type of behavior by Zach, and definitely likes Michela and thinks she’s a good person. He even ordered drinks for Michela and co. at TITS last month but was too scared to give them to her. I’m not sure if John remembers the middle school incident anymore, but if he does, I just want to say good luck to Mr. Goldman.

Most likely to win fan of the year

Honorable Mentions: Emma Arpino, Thomas Rooney, Gabo Garcia, Chris Ng, Sebastian Lizardo, Tali Shoham

3. Sophie NS

Sophie has been a fan of the league for the past 5 years, and is well liked (for the most part) within NSL. She’s active on NSL social media and is a former winner of this prestigious award. But, last summer she disrespected Kenny Brown with his cookout fiasco last summer, and with the amount of pull that DTKB has as NSL CEO and sponsor, that doesn’t bode well for Sophie’s chances. She still has time to redeem herself, however, and a good way to start would be texting Kenny and building up that bridge before it collapses.

2. Mia DiSeglio

Mia comes in at second on this list because like Sophia, she came to a ton of games last season and is a good friend to many members of the league. She’s going to have a hard time beating out Sophia for this award, but I think there’s one thing she can do to vault her to the top of this list: beat Cian in an arm wrestling match.

1. Sophia Hajjar

As the girlfriend of the commissioner, and Deb Rooney’s favorite (sorry Yagev but you’re probably #2), it’s only right that Sophia comes in at the top spot on this list. Sophia is in charge of the website, is a devoted fan, and has even helped league members such as Kenny, Josh and Zach with their lady troubles. Put that together with the fact that Matt seems to rig NSL awards (how else would he have ever won MVP over DHS or Soup), Sophia is the best bet to be named NSL’s 2022 fan of the year.